There have been entire books written on this subject! One Irecommend for lay people is High Risk: Children Without a Conscience by Ken Magid, who was a professor of mine when I was studying infantpsychology; TheInfant Mind by Dr. Richard Restak has a lot of information about this subject. Another great book that is more recent is Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. The bonds of trust and love, the lessons of compassion, warmth, openness and respect, inherent in close physical affection, have been shown by longitudinal research to be carried with the child into adulthood. Early bonds which are warm and close contribute to positive values and positive adult behavior, less disease and mental illness, and more ability to give and to relate to others in a healthy way.

One study revealed that adults reflect the type of bonding they had as infants in their adult relationships. These attachments were of three types: 1) Securely bonded: These people believe it's easy to get close to others and have no problem with mutual dependence. They have happy, trusting relationships, their romances last the longest and end in divorce least often of the groups studied. They had close, secure relationships in infancy and were held, kissed and "coddled." 2) Anxious/ambivalent: These people want to be close to others but they tend to attract people who are unable to be close. They worry about people leaving them, tend to be jealous and have intense emotional ups and downs. These were the largest group -- perhaps a reflection of the "don't spoil the baby" attitudes of the baby-boom generations. They were loved as infants but their caregivers were ambivalent and confused, giving them mixed messages about their worth, their safety and the trustworthiness of the world. 3) Avoidant: These people feel uneasy when people get too close; they tend to be loners. They have trouble trusting or depending on others, and are afraid of intimacy. They tend to give the message, "I love you/go away," and are more likely to have substance abuse problems as adults. They were neglected in infancy, punished for "bad" behavior, made to be independent and "strong" too early, told that it wasn't nice to express emotion, and lied to about their parents' emotions.

The emotional messages we give our infants in the first few years have been shown to be crucial in study after study. It is in infancy that children develop a deep security, a feeling of safety and belonging in the world and that the world is a good place to be, they have a solid place in it, they are wanted and needed, and will naturally later want to share the overflowing love they have with others. I liken it to the baby's heart being a kind of cup. If it is empty, the baby spends his or her life trying to find someone "out there" to fill it up. However, if this "cup" is filled to overflowing in infancy by the baby's parent(s), the child grows up feeling full and wanting to share his or her abundance with others. I don't see it as an impossible situation. Though my "cup" was not filled, I was able to fill my children's by being aware that it was an important goal for me even if it was difficult, and now that they are adults I can see the difference it made.

During the early years, the baby's brain is growing millions of connecting neurons,sending messages to the cells about the environment. Hormones are the mediators of these messages, and they can be hormones which stimulate relaxation or those which stimulate hyper-vigilance or stress; if experiences are chronic, these responses become "normal" for the child. Even in utero, this kind of groundwork is being laid, according to physicist Bruce Lipton. A baby can come into the world expecting it to be a scary, unsupportive place where fight-or-flight is the normal response to everything, or, alternatively, that the world welcomes him or her, it is a wonderful, relaxing place to be and he or she can expect to be loved and helped to fulfill his or her destiny in a positive, contributive way.

Every expert I have interviewed who works with kids who have social and relational problems later in life has emphasized that early experiences of what they call bonding breaks -- times when babies were left alone to cry, punished for expressing emotions, lived in conditions of constant, unrelenting tension, anger, anxiety and so forth -- tended to become socially inept, rageful, lonely adults whose behavior could manifest on a large spectrum from feelings of depression, illness and isolation to outright violence and sociopathic behavior. It is very difficult and sometimes impossible to re-program the brain to respond differently to feelings stimulated by the outside world.

I always advise parents not only to provide unconditional love and affection for their baby themselves, but to find other trusted adults who also love the baby and will provide extra loving support so that when parents hit a "rough patch" the child still has adults in his or her life to turn to who they know can "fill their cup" by loving them unconditionally, listening to them, advising them and helping them learn how to be a healthy human being. That is the advantage of a healthy, loving extended family, blood-kin or otherwise.

The great thing about Goleman's book is that it gives us ways in which we, as adults, can re-program ourselves to have greater "emotional intelligence," and therefore more success, feelings of worthiness and fulfillment in life, regardless of how our upbringing in infancy may have been detrimental to our future self-esteem and relationship skills.