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Expert Q&A

	By Paul Coleman Psychologist Family Therapist

My new baby is very fussy and not sleeping well, which is getting my wife, who is recovering from her C-section, frazzled. How can I help my wife muster the stamina to make it through this time?

First, congratulations on the birth of your baby! The issues you raise are not uncommon. You did not mention if other family members live nearby and are available to help. In the past, most new mothers had family readily available to assist in the first weeks and months of a child's life. If that is not the case here, your wife has a disadvantage that mothers from the past did not have.

She should speak to her physician just to make sure that there are no medical factors involved, such as hormones. Also, you said that your baby feeds almost every hour at night. That seems a bit too frequent. Possibly he is feeding, falls asleep or gets drowsy and does not take as much milk, so by the time you put him down to sleep much time has passed and he is ready to feed again in an hour or so. Double check with the pediatrician about his feeding schedule.

My guess is that there is a big clash between your wife's expectations of parenthood and the reality. People understand intellectually that a new baby is a lot of work, but understanding that fact emotionally takes time and perspective. She probably hates the fact that she is unable to fully enjoy motherhood just yet, and she views herself as a bad mother or incapable of doing what other mothers seem to do with ease. Her negative self talk wears her down (along with the C-section recovery and lack of sleep) and that makes it harder for her to think positive. By the way, sleep deprivation takes its toll emotionally on people. Don't underestimate the negative effects it can have. When your baby weighs more or is able to take some rice with his milk or formula, he may stay satisfied for longer stretches and you can both get some sleep.

Have your wife (or you) make a list of all the things a new parent does for their child. Have her check off what she feels able to do or less able to do. There may be some things she feels more insecure about (such as soothing a fussy baby who does not need more food or to be changed). Or she may realize she is able to do everything well, but she is not able to feel happy about it because she is so tired and frustrated. She needs to know that the fatigue and frustration will improve. It won't be like this for long. When she has slept more and has healed from the C-section she may start to automatically feel better.

Keep up the good work in helping her. Ironically, some people who need assistance resent it because it makes them feel they are unable to do it by themselves. She probably needs to see you able to handle the frustrations – not with ease – but with some difficulty. That might make her better able to understand that it isn't easy for anyone in your situation.

Finally, each of you needs to accept the situation – emotionally – because it is what it is for now. Acceptance does not mean you like the situation or will do nothing to change it if you can. Acceptance means that you will not emotionally oppose what is. For example, if it rains on your vacation you can grouse about it or you can try to accept it. If you accept it then you can make the most of your situation. Have her repeat to herself things like:

• I accept that I sometimes have difficulty.
• I accept I don't like this situation being so hard.
• I accept it will improve over time.
• I accept that I am tired.
• I accept that I have self doubts.
• I accept that some days/hours/moments are in fact easier.

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