You are right. It isn't that your older son doesn't like his baby brother personally. It is more likely that he doesn't like the changes his baby brother brings about. Things are different now at home, and your older child may be struggling to adjust.

Before his brother came around, your 3-year-old had you all to himself. Not only is the routine at home different, now your older son is no longer the center of attention. He must share your attention with this little baby, who certainly requires a lot!

The most important way to help your son adjust is to spend lots and lots of one-on-one time with him. When the baby is napping, make an extra effort to focus your attention on your 3-year-old. One great way to do this is to read together. Try to also include some books that address the sibling issue. I'm a Big Brother (HarperCollins, 2004) by Joanna Cole and Maxie Chambliss is a wonderful book for big brothers. The book helps older siblings in defining their identity after a baby joins the family. It also addresses all the great things a big brother can do that a baby is not yet able to do, highlighting the fun parts about being older.

You can also enlist your son's help with household chores. Have him help you put the wet clothes in the dryer. When they are dry, he can help you match socks and sort the clothes. As you clean the dishes, hand him spoons, cups, etc. to put in the dishwasher. Get the broom and dustpan out and let him hold the dustpan as you sweep crumbs into it. These are simple tasks that boost your child's feelings of importance while also reaping the joys of being together with just you.

Allow your son to help you in simple tasks with the baby. He can help you at changing time by handing you wipes and a diaper. He can pick out an outfit for the baby to wear. He may even be able to carefully help you put the baby's socks on. He can get the baby's blanket when the baby starts crying. Again this reinforces his feelings of self esteem, while you model the correct way to gently and lovingly interact with the baby.

Be sure to give your son plenty of positive reinforcement. Catch him being good and let him know you see these behaviors. "I like the way you picked up the pillows and put them back on the sofa." Be sure to give him praise when he interacts with the baby appropriately. "I like the way you use a gentle voice around the baby." "Look! Baby is smiling. He likes the way you are so gentle with him."

When you are holding the baby, invite your older son to come and sit together with you and the baby. Cuddle together and just enjoy each other's company. It may take a little while, but eventually your son will adjust to the new family unit and his negative comments will disappear.

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