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Introduction
As a little girl, I had HUGE plans for getting all growned up. In elementary school I wanted to be a librarian or Mrs. Blow, my grade three teacher. In high school I realized I was better suited to nursing or flying planes, and wouldn't life be cool if I was an international spy - like I could shut up for five seconds! I was going to marry Rod Funk, Randy Jespersen and Gopher from the Love Boat and no way would I ever eat onions or tomatoes. One thing never changed. I would have three adorable children, two girls and a boy, and we would live happily ever after.
Then I got all growned up and discovered life has a way of taking you off on tangents.
I don't actually remember if Remo and I ever really discussed having children. The first time we got pregnant was not planned, we were just married and I was so young. We were surprised and so sure it wasn't true. I guess maybe that's what saved me from devastating heartbreak when we lost the baby, I simply accepted that it wasn't meant to be and moved forward as if it had never happened. The loss hit me when we had Matthew, but I was better able to make sense of it.
Years later, the decision to have Brandan will really spell out for you who we are. Out of the blue, one night after supper, we concocted this plan; one shot deal, if it works it works, if it doesn't, we wait a year. There was no logic and no thought. I knew it worked and wasted six pregnancy tests before one finally showed positive and we sat there dumb founded. I cried. I was really nervous but for some reason completely preoccupied with not having any maternity clothes (I ended up not showing till well into the sixth month anyways). A big panic was over people finding out, I was so shy, so anglaise, I thought for sure they'd think I was a tramp.
I'll never forget the night, a few weeks before Brandan was born, when it hit me. I shot up in bed, flipped on the lights and woke Remo in a complete state;
"I am SO sorry Remo."
He stared at me with blood shot eyes.
"You picked the wrong person to do this with. I'm not even sure I want this, I'm pretty sure I won't be good at it. I feel so sorry for you. And the baby".
He stared a little longer, I guess probably trying to figure out what world he was in, and then said very simply that everything would be ok. Everything with Remo is always fine so once again, he flunked reassurance. Brandan arrived and I was thrilled beyond belief although the newness of this baby took me some time to absorb. I couldn't get over the part where HE was MY son and I was HIS mother. I had no idea how incredibly our lives would change. We weren't playing house with a little doll, Brandan was a miracle and I would passionately protect him forever. And worry forever. You're never really prepared for that aspect of this endeavour.
When we decided to have another child there was no question we were excited. I got pregnant right away and obviously things didn't go as planned. After Matthew I wanted so badly another baby NOW. That part we've since established we're good at. I found out we were expecting Kaillan and POOF, one obstacle after another. Those of you who were hanging out with us during our pregnancy diary know that most of the time I was a complete basket case.
When she turned one, I started talking to Remo about whether we should go for a third. A third would make our family more complete. Imagine the holidays with a full house, imagine the joy and wonder another child would bring to our lives! Remo, who had always said he wanted to fill up a mini-van, started to drag his feet. All of a sudden he felt like we had everything we needed, two beautiful, healthy children and a son and a daughter at that, wouldn't wishing for more be playing Russian roulette? And could we cope with another difficult pregnancy? It took me a few weeks to swing Remo and then all of a sudden when I had him on the other side I started second guessing myself completely. I live my life in a race against time trying to keep on top of things at home as it is, imagine another baby? For a few days it's all I could think about, I started mapping pros and cons.
That's when I decided to conduct a poll, I can't be alone in this scene. Probably in my heart I already know what we're going to do, but in my mind, what I most need is to come across the one magical piece of advice that says exactly what I need to hear and places everything in perspective. I keep hearing the difference between one and two is nothing (I beg to differ!) compared with the difference between two and three. And once you have three, there's no difference between three and four (I will NEVER know). When you have three you lose all control. My girlfriend has five (I would shoot myself in the head), and there's that lady at the laundry mat with six kids who looks like she had it together. I have some factors to consider. Even if it's part time, I will always work and I have two very active children. Half the year Remo's over his head with work so I can't count on him for support, although when he is home it's amazing. Timing wise, I would never want a huge age gap. If we were to get pregnant this fall, Brandan would be five, Kaillan two. I started taking the prenatal vitamins. If I knew it's what I really wanted and I didn't have the new job, it would be my first choice. In another year I might feel better about a third, Brandan would be six though, is three years between three, too much? If I left our family as is, would one day ten years from now, I regret stopping? Oh to have that crystal ball. I stopped taking the vitamins.
Operation Out Number is officially underway.
All this month I'm going to ask all the mom's I know to weigh in on this issue. So far I've gotten a lot of great advice, and I was surprised because the rest of the world seems pretty decisive. At the end of this month I have a date with Dr. Bray, I wonder if he's prepared himself? His opinion weighs heaviest in all this because maybe for me physically, it's not a good idea. I just don't know. Till then, if all you brilliant Mom's could come drop by my Talk To Me board and let me know how you feel about the size a family should be, about age gaps, about anything really, what you say can and may be used against you in an entry coming soon. What works for you?
I took Brandan and Kaillan to see Dr. Kugelmass yesterday for their annual checkups. Dr. Kugelmass joined in on the poll too, by the way. It's amazing because when I showed up at Brandan's one year checkup I had a list a mile long of questions, for Kaillan's I forgot to bring their vaccinations books even. For both height and weight Brandan is at the 75th percentile. I went there thinking Kaillan is such a big girl, she eats really well, she's active, she's going to be up there too. When she said she's 25th for both, I was crushed! I asked if she was really that small, Dr. Kugelmass said that she's totally in proportion, that a lot can change before she's two. We're pretty tall, I'm thin but not small boned, I never thought I'd have a petite baby.
Did I ever tell you that I had placed Kaillan in a vaccination study at the children's hospital? She was given the MMR vaccine at the same time as the hepatitis vaccine which is generally done in grade four. I spoke to a few doctors who all said they had no problem with it, as this procedure is done outside of Canada and is perfectly safe. So I agreed to let Kaillan participate, partly because medical professionals deemed it safe and mostly because in 2003, they'll provide me with a listing that indicates the actual antibodies she owns that will protect her from infectious diseases. Yesterday she got the MMR vaccine and the third installment of her Prevnar one (to protect her from streptococcal something or other) although that was up in the air there because she should have had that at 15 months. Next month we go for her last study visit and they'll give her the varivox (chicken pox) vaccine. Around Christmas we had a stretch where she was getting a vaccine every fifteen days, I had their reports to fill out and I nearly lost my mind trying to keep it straight. I spend half my visits drilling Dr. Kugelmass about these vaccines and ultimately ask if she would do it for her three small children. When she says without question, my decision is made.
Most of our appointment takes place in Dr. Kugelmass's office while she's asking development questions about the kids. I spent most of my time prying Kaillan out of the adjoining exam room, there were after all, five drawers that needed emptying, but it worked out well since Brandan took it upon himself to answer all the questions himself.
"Does Kaillan eat well?"
"Sometimes she bites me".
Question after question about Kaillan was wearing thin on Brandan. When she asked if Kaillan sleeps well at night, Brandan told her he doesn't takes baffes anymore, he only takes showers. Then he asked if he was going to get a sticker. When she said yes, all bets were off, he only wanted to talk about stickers. Finally it was his turn. She was surprised because Brandan has been riding a two wheeler without training wheels for a while now. He's always been really coordinated and this week he and Dee Dee decided he's going to the Olympics for standing long jump. Standing long jump??? He can jump as far as Remo and farther than me. I think last entry I went on and on about what a good boy he is but life had a way of balancing things. We had a week with Brandan where he was pretty stubborn, pretty defiant and pretty determined to live life according to his rules. He sees himself as a working man and Annabelle's was boring, he decided it was time for him to go to work. I can type this with a smile now but it was no joke last week. He'd get up in the morning and get his things ready for work. The guys needed him and he really thought we'd just go along with it. I'd call Annabelle during the day and she'd say he was really down and didn't want to participate in anything. It broke my heart. Just be four, Brandan. This week things are back on track. We had a talk about friends and how if you're not nice to them, they won't want to play with you and you can't always be in charge. So he went from boss to love bug. All of a sudden he can't smooch with me enough. As Wheezie would say... "Loooooovve it".
Although Kaillan says Mama and Dada and knows it's us (when Remo comes home he opens the garage door and the alarm makes a beep-beep sound and she runs for the door chanting Dada), and we have about twenty things we can ask her to go get and she's thrilled to bring them, "Ya" is without question, her favourite tool. Are you a good girl? "Ya" Do you want a cookie? "Ya, Ya" And everything's a "ba"; ball, balloon, baby, bottle, Brandan, belly button, I was surprised how many B things there are in our life. Not to say the not B things aren't "Ba" too. She still only has eight teeth although she's drooling like crazy and never again will I stick a finger in there. She's climbing more than any boy, including my own son and she has no problem hauling furniture around if it'll help her get up higher. Wherever we are in a room she'll throw herself down on her back and fake laugh to get you to tickle her.
And in case you're wondering about me, I just bought three pairs of shoes on sale so life couldn't be better.
I'm waiting really, really patiently for your feedback and that's not easy for a fly by the seat of your pants kind of gal, till then,
Allisun
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