Jackie Saril's daughter has autism. In some ways, Saril's parents have been very supportive. Over the past 10 years, her parents have acted as a sounding board as Saril investigated treatments, therapies and medication. They've also provided financial support that allowed Saril's daughter to attend expensive special needs sleepover camps. "However, it is hard for us to visit them, because they've done nothing to make their home autistic friendly," says Saril, of New Rochelle, N.Y. "They are older and don't like to make the 30-mile drive here, and most frustrating, they don't feel comfortable spending any time alone with my daughter."

When a child with special needs enters a family, the whole structure of the family must change, not out of choice but out of necessity. Parents learn this right away, but grandparents, unless they are around their grandchild on a near daily basis, don't always understand the new family dynamics. Even though they may be well educated regarding their grandchild's disability, like Saril's parents, many grandparents are not emotionally prepared. Rather than approach grandparenting in the same way they do their other grandchildren, oftentimes the grandchild with special needs is treated like a fragile China doll or is pushed aside and virtually ignored.

The good news is that when grandparents come to emotional terms, the true love and concern for that child will prevail, says Dr. Charles Sophy, a Beverly Hills, Calf., psychiatrist. "Fear is the biggest barrier," he says. "Anger and disappointment are next. Understanding and accepting will help you move forward."

First and foremost, says Dr. Vicki Panaccione, a child clinical psychologist and founder of the Better Parenting Institute, these children are children. "Their number one 'special need' is the same as any other child's," she says. "They need unconditional love, validation and respect, just as much, if not more so, than their siblings."

Because a child with special needs brings a new set of challenges to the family, Panaccione advises parents to get themselves adjusted first, and then worry about extended family. Once that happens, the next step is to sit down with the grandparents and explain the disability. Grandparents should then try to educate themselves as much as possible on every aspect of their grandchild's life.

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