After three years of marriage, I truly, deeply fell in love. The birth was uneventful and calm. A shiver of ecstasy overwhelmed me as I reached for her.

"My baby!" I gushed as I cried torn tears. I was filled with excitement and sadness. Holding her for the first time was a feeling that would only come once in my life. It was passionate, my desire to hold her, to embrace this bundle. My body curled around hers as if to restore her position in her home. I ached with emptiness, knowing from this moment on, she and I will never be one again. Emotion filled, like companions reunited after a long-distance relationship, only this time she is not returning to me; she is eternally parting from me.

Now at 3 she is an individual, and independent. Many parents see their children as an extension of themselves but not me. She has her own purpose and journey separate from my own. No matter how much I influence her with my interests and opinions she will lead a life down a path that I have not walked. As she advances in maturity she is perpetually further from the time when we were one.

In an effort to recapture the love I experienced, we had a son. To say the least, it was not the same experience. Hyperventilating through commands, my excitement was replaced with paralyzing fear. The birth left me distant and stunned. They placed him on my chest and my body refused to nurture him. The shock of possible death kept me from bonding with my son.

I found myself overcompensating. I continually told him I love you as if I was trying to convince myself that we had a deeper connection. As time passed we comfortably grew closer and closer. I overcame my fear of hurting him and welcomed my affection for him.

He is now close to a year and adorable. He cuddles and gazes into my eyes; he is the definition of cuteness. I love my son. I loved before my first and after my first, but the truth is there is no love like the love you feel for your first born.

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