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Quiz: For Fathers Only

A Quiz for the Parentally Challenged

By Jay Sauls
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For those of us who have kids from the ages of newborn to toddler, most of us know what certain sounds, cries or explosions mean. But, unfortunately, there are the occasional new parents whom we can only classify as "Parentally Challenged." These poor, dear folks are lost in the whirlwind of events that swirl continuously around you. These brave brothers and sisters of the parenting community need our help. So I have concocted a little quiz for these valiant souls – who, by the way, are predominantly men – to help them battle through the first couple of years.

Note of interest to the mothers: Women need not take this test. You folks came into the world armed with the handbook, "Nature's Tips for Effective Child Raising." Men only got the owner's manual to a '72 Chevy Impala. So take the quiz and answer as honestly as possible.

1. When using the "Johnny Jumper" style seat, the kind that hangs from the bedroom door by a heavy spring, you should never:

a. Leave the child unattended.
b. Bounce the child too vigorously after eating.
c. Stretch the spring downward to see if you can fling the kid to your buddy across the room. (This might sound like fun, but your little baby will leave the seat at roughly the same speed as a champagne cork leaving the bottle.)


2. When feeding the child prior to having a professional portrait made, you should:

a. Take special care to cover every inch of exposed clothing to prevent spills and stains.
b. Serve only soups or food that won't drip or run.
c. Give in to the child's desire for sweets and allow him to eat Milk Duds without any type of bib, whatsoever.


3. If the child is playing in the kitchen cabinets where your wife has stored her crystal and china, you should:

a. Quickly remove the child from the kitchen, re-lock the cabinets and find another way to entertain the child.
b. Try to explain that the china is very fragile and easy to break, then remove the child from the kitchen.
c. Let the child play and test the strength of a plate when smashed upon a stack of saucers.


4. If you wake your child from a nap only to discover that the diaper is in dire need of changing, you should:

a. Immediately change the baby, apply any medication needed and change the child's clothes.
b. Wait for the baby to wake up fully, play with the child a bit, then change the diaper after the child is awake.
c. Pretend you didn't smell anything, then pass the child off to your wife. If she makes a comment about smelling anything, just use the "pollen has me all stuffed up" excuse.


5. When accompanying your wife to the mall and you have to pack the diaper bag, you should:

a. Pack enough food, diapers and toys for at least a 24-hour outing.
b. Pack the bag with only the items that you think will be used during the trip.
c. Pack only enough for emergencies. Leave enough room for a couple of beers, chips, magazines and whatever else you might need if you stumble into a NASCAR race.


6. When dressing your child for a day out on the town, you should:

a. Dress the child in his/her most spectacular outfit, complete with matching socks, shoes and hat.
b. Dress the child in comfortable clothes that the child will look good in while allowing him or her to be comfortable.
c. Throw one of your old rock-concert T-shirts over the baby and cinch the waist with a length of tie-down strap from your motorcycle.


7. When it's time to give the baby her evening bath, you should:

a. Test the water often to make sure the water is not too hot or too cold.
b. Wash the hair carefully to avoid getting any shampoo into the baby's delicate eyes.
c. Disrobe the baby completely, set her down with the dogs and let the pets lick her clean.


8. When teaching the child how to talk, you should:

a. Start with the basics: "mama, dada," and then work to more complex words.
b. Let the child try his own words for you, then guide him to proper pronunciation.
c. Teach the child by using old tapes of The Simpsons. Explain to your wife that there's good money in doing celebrity impersonations.


9. If you catch your child writing on the wall, you should:

a. Immediately remove the instrument from the child's hand and instruct her that the walls are not to be drawn upon.
b. Casually move the child to the table and give her a pad and pencil to express herself.
c. Praise the child on her penmanship, then correct some of the mispellings.


10. It's time to put the baby down for the night, but he keeps trying to stay up and snuggle with you on the couch. You should:

a. Enjoy the time that you have with him and snuggle on the couch together.
b. Enjoy the time that you have with him and snuggle on the couch together.
c. Enjoy the time that you have with him and snuggle on the couch together.


All A results:
Your Score is between 10 and 19!
You are a good, caring, stable parent who pays close attention to all detail. Oh, well, gotta' go. One baby is playing with matches while the other just dug out last year's fireworks!

All B results:
Your Score is between 20 and 29!
You are a good, caring, stable parent, but one who gives their child a little flexibility. Oh, well, gotta' go. One baby is playing with matches while the other just dug out last year's fireworks!

All C Results:
Your Score is 30!
You're probably one of my relatives! Oh, well, gotta' go. One baby is playing with matches while the other just dug out last year's fireworks!

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Quiz: For Fathers Only

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