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Home › Articles › Family Life › The Urge to Compare

The Urge to Compare

(And Why It Gets You Nowhere)

By Jennifer Nelson

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"I'm finally onto this game," said one mother I know. "Until recently I wasn't aware this parenting thing was a competition. An honest mom clued me in, after I asked her son's age when he started walking."

"Do you want the truth or the fictional answer?" she asked. My friend looked confused.

"You mean you don't know?" she asked in horror. "This whole parenting thing is a competition. A game. Who does what first -- walking, crawling, sitting, weight gain, sleeping, teething -- everything. My son walked at eight months," the woman told her proudly.

"Wow, really?" my friend said.

She shook her head. " Nah, 15 months," she confessed. "But that's not what I tell people."

Meet the Competition
In a competitive world, it's probably not surprising that parents measure their children against other children. It's almost impossible not to compare babies. Parents want to be sure that their children are hitting the developmental milestones they see listed in baby books, or hear friends and relatives discuss. They often fall prey to comparing their children with others to determine if their children are on track. Does he weigh enough? Is he tall enough? What if he's not crawling when So-and-So's baby is? But there are pitfalls to the comparison trap that parents shouldn't fall in. Besides, from the moment you bring that baby home from the hospital -- he develops at his own pace.

Find Out What's Normal
Before you assume your child is not measuring up, ask your pediatrician what the normal age range really is. "Some children walk at 8 months, some at 15 months," says Claire Lerner, a child development specialist at Zero to Three, a non-profit organization devoted to healthy development in the first three years of life. "Both ages are normal." You may find out that your friend's or relative's child is ahead, not that yours is behind.


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