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Home › Articles › Fatherhood › She Won't Break!

She Won't Break!

New Dads With Newborn Fears

By Jenn Director Knudsen

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Mike Vander Wel, a Seattle father of 4-year-old Anneka and 2 1/2-year-old Marcus, says once his daughter was born he felt uncertain about how to relate to her, a conflict he didn't experience when his second child was on the way. "I had no clue what to do," he says. "I remember the day we brought her home and thinking things like 'Who is this?' (and) 'Do we roll out the toys, and she goes for it or what?' I have grown to absolutely adore Anneka and love having a daughter. I don't think I was good at it at first. I've had some fears about how one plays with little girls, but Anneka has trained me."

Many new dads, like Vander Wel, fear they will be unable to make a connection with their child similar to that of the mother, says Deborah Phillips, author, parenting coach and creator of Coach-Parenting, dedicated to helping parents be the kind of parents they want to be.

"Many dads feel that their wives have had a connection with their baby for nine months, and they are coming in late," she says. "Many dads find it helpful to hear from their wives that they are just figuring it all out too."

And not just from their wives, but from other dads – both experienced and novice – too, say Bishop and Stein.

Finding Support
According to Stein, new moms have "hundreds of thousands of books" at their disposal, whereas dads do not. He feels that women also are very good at forming groups with other new mothers whose experiences mirror their own to talk, talk, talk. Men, on the other hand, "are not in the habit of sitting down and sharing a beer and talking about parenting," says Stein, who lives in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.


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