The Parent Preference

Tips for Handling Attachment Anxiety

By Kelly Burgess

Ann Pleshette Murphy remembers when her babies went through the "daddy no" stage, when all they wanted was their mommy.

"It's almost always the dad who is rejected," says Murphy, author of The 7 Stages of Motherhood: Making the Most of Your Life as a Mom (Knopf, 2004). "Baby's first attachment is to mom, especially if she's breastfeeding. What's important is to not take it personally or to think there's anything underlying it beside normal, developmental issues."

Stranger anxiety is fairly understandable. After all, why would a child who has been carefully watched over by his loving family want to go to someone he doesn't know? But it can be hurtful when Baby screams if Dad or Grandma tries to pick him up. Or when Baby clings to the babysitter or to Grandma when Mom tries to take him home.

Katie Young of Austin, Texas, nearly quit her job when her youngest was 10 months old. "A neighbor watched him for me and when I would go to pick him up he would cry and cling to her neck," says Young. "I felt terribly guilty; like I was neglecting him. Really, it was embarrassing as well. He did get over it, but that was a difficult time."

The fact is that this behavior is not linked to abuse or neglect, but merely to the baby's normal development. Also, while stranger anxiety can start at 6 months and last for two years, preferences usually start at around 8 to 10 months and disappear shortly after the first birthday. According to Murphy, it's a pretty universal stage that isn't dependent on the baby's personality and the reason it happens is merely a fact of sensory overload on the baby's part.

"At this stage, it's hard for babies to manage two people at once," says Murphy. "They aren't capable of saying, 'I love you too dad, but I can't deal with change right now,' so they say 'no daddy.'"

Want to see more?

• Baby Emotions: An Inside Look at Your Baby's Feelings
• Stranger Anxiety
• Talk about it!