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Mother-in-Law

Friend or Foe?

By Jill Eggleton Brett

There comes a time when a wife realizes she's not the only woman in her husband's life – he also has a mother. Though it often may seem like your husband didn't exist before he met you, indeed he did. And you can thank his mother for his existence. But now that you're married and you've started a family of your own, you are a mother. And through the blur of overnight feedings and countless diaper changes, dealing with an overbearing mother-in-law can be challenging. Fortunately, some women are blessed with genuine friendships with their mothers-in-law and don't have to face this issue. However, having to answer to your husband's mother concerning your parenting style can become tiresome and frustrating.

Although problems with a mother-in-law may develop after the birth of your first child, the problem likely began long ago, according to therapist Elizabeth Lea, MSW. "Most women are not surprised by the behavior of their mother-in-law regarding their baby – whether good or bad. Women usually have a good grip on predicting their mother-in-law's grandmotherly actions based on their history as husband, wife and mother-in-law. An intrusive mother-in-law probably won't retreat with her opinions once a baby is born." After their precious little bundle arrives, many women are anxious to begin parenting their children their own way. Perhaps they didn't agree with certain practices of their own parents and are ready to set their own course.

There's nothing like Tropical Storm Mother-in-Law to sabotage a new mom's confidence. JoAnne, mother of two boys, recalls, "My mother-in-law raised four sons, so after the birth of my first son I knew the advice would come rushing in. She tried to tell me how to do everything from putting a pacifier in my son's mouth to shopping for his first pair of shoes. I just gracefully gritted my teeth – I didn't want to start a fight."

Want to see more?

• How to Cope With the Stress of New Parenthood
• Scrapbooking: Creatively Keeping Track of Baby's First Year
• Growing Up with Grandparents: Why You Should Make Your Parents Part of Your Child's Life
• Planting the Seed: Grandparents and Toddlers
• Grandma in Charge: When Grandparents Care for Kids
• Talk about it!