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Comparing Our Children

Why We Shouldn't

By Julia Rosien

As a kindergarten teacher, Kraik knows that children develop at different rates, yet even she was concerned about Tyler. Once she recognized her mistake, she set out to embrace Tyler's individuality, and she does the same in her classroom. "We can put one child's behavior up as a positive example without comparing," she says. "For example, 'I like the way Sam is sitting quietly,' instead of, 'Why can't you sit quietly like Sam?'"

Each child is like a precious butterfly emerging from a cocoon. The cocoon needs sunshine, warmth and a safe place to develop. The butterfly needs time to emerge and time again for its wings to dry before it takes to flight. If we break open the cocoon and pull the child out too quickly, his wings will turn brittle and he may never be able to fly. If we nurture and support him, he will find his own wings and soar at his own level.

Nancy Joron in Nanaimo, British Columbia, never compares her children and won't allow others to do so, either. "When people start to compare them, I remind them that these are two different people," says Joron. "They share the same last name and live in the same house, but the 'sameness' ends there." She says she and her husband always try to find a special quality in each of their children and try to build up their self-esteem through that special quality.

As children grow, they may experience your praise of a sibling as a criticism to themselves. Choose your words carefully in order to avoid these unwitting comparisons. Describe what the child might be feeling: "You must be really proud of yourself," instead of comparing one child favorably to another: "Why can't you use the toilet like..." Try describing what you see: "You look very uncomfortable in that messy diaper." Describe what you feel: "It upsets me when you make a mess like that." Describe what needs to be done: "Tell me when you need to use the toilet."

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