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Home › Articles › Family Life › Pink and Blue

Pink and Blue

Does Gender Affect Your Parenting Style?

By Gina Roberts-Grey, LCSW

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Boys will be boys. This simple phrase is generally spoken in conjunction with the roll of a mother's eyes or a father's shrugged shoulders. Expecting boys to be covered in mud, play with trucks and unearth worms is as common as automatically dressing little girls in lavender and pink and donning them with fairy princess crowns and lace.

Have you ever stopped to ponder how the assumption that boys are rowdy and girls are fragile affects your parenting? Have you ever prevented your daughter from playing "too rough" or discouraged your son from nurturing his teddy bear?

It may be surprising to realize that many parents do not have the same set of rules for their opposite sex children. Fathers are often less tolerant of their sons and more lenient with their daughters while some moms often have higher expectations for their daughters than their sons.

Gender-Based Parenting
Brian Malinowski, a licensed family therapist in Libertyville, Ill., has seen that many parents have the tendency to provide more emotional support and attention to their daughters than their sons. "Most parents seem to feel that boys are, or need to be, more resilient than girls," says Malinowski. "Parents seem more likely to let boys fend for themselves regardless of the parent's gender."

Dr. Andrew Atwood, a family and marriage therapist from Grand Rapids, Mich., is also aware of the effects of gender parenting. "I was startled to hear a father tell his son who was about to receive a shot, 'Big boys don't cry,'" he says. "That promotes a shrug it off and get on with it attitude in males." Dr. Atwood is one of many experts who work with couples struggling to overcome a lack of empathy in their relationships. "Many adults work hard to change the course of history for their family and to overcome the lasting effects of being parented based on gender."

Where Do You Fit In?
Do you grant one child more, less or different liberties than another based on gender instead of age or ability? Have you ever urged your child to tailor his or her behavior to better follow the stereotypes of his or her gender? Whether it's intentional or subconscious, experts say you're not alone if you've ever uttered "Girls shouldn't get so dirty" or "What can I say? He's rough and tough – a typical boy!"

"Many women want a strong and

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